The Rogue Recap: April 21-27

Literal and figurative shadows continue to loom over the country and the world, but that’s okay, you have no work today.

by The Rogue Staff

The Rogue Recap takes a look back at the good, the bad, and the bizarre of the past week in the realms of entertainment, politics, culture, and society. In this week’s edition:

Election drama in one of those other European countries

Independent centrist Emmanuel Macron has come out on top after the first round of the French presidential elections. The former investment banker, who has never held elected office before, will go head-to-head with far-right candidate Marine Le Pen in a run-off on May 7. The election is already historic; for the first time in 1958, neither candidate is from a major French party. Macron positions himself as a progressive voice that an increasingly conservative world needs, while Le Pen has taken a France-first stance in her desire to leave the European Union. What all this really means is that your pseudo-intellectual Facebook friends will have more to rant about as they continue to insist that they care about global politics while clearly only caring about Western and European politics.


Philippine real estate compensates with a large erection

A local nursing home under the name Supreme Court of the Philippines has allowed DMCI Homes to resume construction of “national photobomber” Torre de Manila near Luneta Park. The condominium’s forty-nine stories loom behind the national hero, itself becoming a symbol of everything wrong with Metro Manila. It violates zoning laws, but it was given an exemption by the Manila City Planning and Development Office in 2012, which makes it technically okay, which is the best kind of okay. As the fight to stop Torre de Manila’s construction continues, other contractors are looking into the option of simply making the Rizal Monument taller by erecting a fifty-story sculpture of Jose Rizal, like that giant Gundam statue in Tokyo.


This week in shit Bongbong whines about

The same aforementioned local nursing home has set the preliminary conference for failed vice presidential candidate Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos, Jr.’s electoral protest against Vice President Leni Robredo. The conference will be held on June 21. The former has spent the past few months mounting support and gathering money for his protest, insisting that the position of vice presidency had been stolen from him. Marcos, the son of a dictator, would also like to demand that his former grade school best friend, Jhun-Jhun, return his No. 2 Mongol pencil already. Jhun-Jhun could not be reached for comment.


The Hague wishes President Duterte a successful ASEAN Summit

Jude Sabio, the lawyer of hitman Edgar Matobato, has submitted a complaint to the International Criminal Court in The Hague in the Netherlands accusing President Rodrigo Duterte and eleven other government officials of mass murder. Duterte has admitted to personally being behind killings, even during his time as mayor of Davao. Contrary to Duterte supporters’ belief, the President can be held criminally responsible for the war on drugs if it is proven to the ICC that the police and other figures of authority (who are under Duterte’s command) are behind the killings. When asked for a response, several Duterte supporters claimed that both “Hague” and “Dilaw” have the same number of letters, and are inextricably linked to one another.


Tondo police station stages real-life version of Prisoners

Personnel from the Commission on Human Rights have discovered a small cell hidden behind a cabinet in a Tondo police station. The cell contained eleven people who claim that they have been detained for a week, and that the police asked for payoffs. Station commander Robert Domingo claims that the cell is simply an investigation room, or a holding room for those whose arrests have not yet been processed. As we all know, all the best investigation rooms are hidden behind furniture. Further investigation is pending, but the Tondo police have reportedly moved the cabinet back in place, along with a curtain, a poster of Rita Hayworth, a large happy birthday tarpaulin, and a sculpture of Rizal. ASEAN ought to be fun this year.